Driving in my car with Paisley.
When PTSD had a total grip on me, driving was a no-go! My car would sit outside, feeling unwanted and like a child on the naughty step, with zero interaction. I was never able to leave the house so using the car was never an option. When leaving the house became possible again, I really had to watch my actions. Many soldiers will relate to this because they are taught by the military how to use defensive driving skills. Now, I do not wish to sit here and revolve this around only the military, it’s just that I don’t have any other experiences to relate to as I share this. I have been sent to several infantry and support units throughout my years. My personal ability to work with external agencies was a character trait that the hierarchy quickly noticed and as with any soldier, I was a small tool in an exceptionally large toolbox that carried responsibility and utility hand in hand.
I relished the opportunities that re-occurring jobs gave me. In the military, we call them postings. Working with 3 SCOTS during a posting for two years, we concentrated a lot on training for Ireland and warfighting. It was during my time with 3 SCOTS that I was taught Covert Military Vehicle (CMV). There is an extensive amount of training that goes into a member of the armed forces. Mix that with the negativity of the society of today and include PTSD in the mix, for an individual who is stuck in fight mode, it was never going to end well!
I have unfortunately been part of the problem and I openly admit it, since my ‘road rage’ was interpreted by the law as exactly road rage because I had received Police warnings. Dealing with arrogance, self-centred individuals, inconsiderate drivers, and my amygdala is in overdrive because I am stuck in fight. Driving in the UK and in Germany was chaotic at best, the truth of it all is this, I was not well and a lot of the reactions that I took were by choice, a lot of it could have been avoided and much of it was my fault because I was not well.
Then Paisley came along, I struggled a lot to begin with, and at times I still think that if she weren’t here, I’d be dead by now. Paisley is attuned to my emotional state, I have witnessed her not want to leave the house, because I am not mentally prepared for it, so, she will delay. I have witnessed Paisley display behaviours that are aimed at me, in all fairness, if Paisley could talk, I would have been told to calm down. Nowadays it is a working practice, and I will not fabricate this when I say, it is a working practice on the back of a ‘what-if’ scenario every second in the car. It took a lot to break the military training mould, going against the grain was just as bad as watching an addict trying to kick a habit. Going against habitual nature is alien in every aspect and it takes a lot of repetition to retrain autonomous actions that have been drilled into a member of the armed forces. Driving in this society, if I can recognise before my autonomous actions, I will put an indicator on and let it pass. Move over, pull over and even just stop. There are times when I should have done this, but please remember that because of PTSD I am stuck in fight and I cannot help that, this is why I am medically retired and medicated. In the same light of truth, if I have reacted to your driving, please remember that I do not want to be involved with you, I do not want anything to do with you, I want to be left alone and your actions caused my reaction. It takes two to tango! “Not my monkey and not my circus” is a phrase that I think I will put in my will for it to be put on my headstone.